***Trigger Warnings: unexpected pregnancy, pregnancy complications, potential loss of child, birth/labour complications, mental health illness

I’m back on the blog-osphere! Although you might say I was barely here!

My poor blog that I had all these plans for was unfortunately launched around the start of a series of unexpected and stressful events, which led to it being put in the “I can’t deal with this now” pile as I tried to get my mental and emotional health under control. I know everyone’s journey through mental health illness and recovery is different, but as I share my story below, I hope that there will be some things that you can connect with and/or take away from, especially if you have battled/are battling mental health illness.

So for those of you who aren’t aware, we found out in April that I was pregnant again! Now this was completely unplanned and unexpected, as I’ve always had to be on medication to either conceive or maintain a pregnancy. So to say we were shocked would be an understatement, and it took us a while to process everything! But just as it was starting to sink in and we were getting ready to announce our news, we were told that they had found some abnormalities with the heart.

After several scans and more tests, the specialists believe that there is a genetic code error causing some very rare and complex heart issues with multiple things either missing or not forming the way they should have. While this is the main issue, they also believe that there could be more problems elsewhere from birth. However, due to the complexity of our case, they can’t actually predict anything, so we’re still very much talking about unknowns and having to wait and see what happens if we get to birth. Long story short, the last few months have been lots of medical appointments, hard decision-making, fear, worry, and guilt, and no guarantee of a happy ending.

Given my history of mental health illness, thankfully I knew what I needed to look out for, and what I needed to do to try and prevent myself from going down a dark valley again. I knew this time around that it was even more important for me to look after my mental health as I had to continue growing this child inside me, as well as care for two more outside of me, one who was still really a baby himself.

Thankfully, we’ve got such an amazing support network around us! I’ve got an incredible counselor, and most importantly for me, a strong faith network that’s supporting, praying, and believing for a miracle for us. I myself have really turned to and relied strongly on my faith to keep me going in this rough season – it’s the only way I can even fathom getting through, and it’s the main thing that has gotten me through all my periods of mental health illness!

In this past month, I have found just an unbelievable strength and peace through God. I’ve also been really strict about guarding my thoughts and my words. Words have the power of life and death, and you can become the product of your thoughts; this is so important to remember for your mindset and mental health because these are things that you can take control over that can actively change how you feel!

One of the things that drew me out from my postnatal depression last year was just finding 3 things to thank God for everyday, and when you start looking for the positives, it just completely changes your outlook as you stop focusing on all the negatives.

Another huge thing for me was guarding my interactions with other people. I’m definitely not isolating myself (something I would advise against if you’re going through mental health troubles), but what I mean by that is, I am choosing to avoid or minimise certain interactions and situations that could trigger me. I don't need anything to rock my boat, especially because I’m in a good place right now - I want to keep it that way!

I know most people mean well, but even with the best intentions, there are just some people that you walk away from feeling worse off than how you went in (you know what I'm talking about)! Of course, you can’t avoid this completely, but if I find myself in a situation that seems like it's heading the wrong way, I am now quick to shut it down and/or set my boundaries. This is actually a HUGE thing for me as a serial worrier about what others might think of me! I was never really your typical people-pleaser, although I had elements of that stemming from insecurity, but I'm learning to let it go!

And finally, I had to accept that it was okay to just stop, step back, and reset. I put certain aspects of my business on pause (like this blog!), I stopped bothering with things that weren’t necessary or important (eg a tidy house, doing laundry during the workweek, etc.), and I allowed myself moments through the day to just do something for me or that brought me joy. And on the rare occasion I had a kid-free day with no work lined up, I forced myself to just relax, watch shows or read a book, and NOT give myself work to do.

Did that make me feel bad, selfish, or guilty? Absolutely! But I learnt to get over it! You can’t pour out of an empty cup, and you can’t keep shining when you’re burnt out. I needed to rest and reset so I could go back to being the mum I want to be instead of a shell of a mum who’s constantly tired, upset, impatient, and short-tempered.

And from the business side of things, if I had kept pushing myself like I used to do, I would’ve just ended up losing all the joy and passion, and trust me, not only does that show in your work, but the time taken to recover from that sort of burnout would have just undone any progress I've made with my business this year! But now that I’m returning from my reset, I’m feeling excited again, I’ve got fresh new ideas, and I’m more motivated than ever to keep pursuing my dreams!

So here’s to being back, and fingers crossed that I can remain in a good place mentally and emotionally. I know that I’m not always going to have good days, but the main thing is that I remain self-aware, that I take control of my mindset, and that I refuse to remain in a space of negativity! I am choosing JOY, no matter the season!
 
 

***If you are struggling with your mental health, please know that you are not alone, and that there is plenty of help available in safe and judgement-free environments. Please reach out and get the help that you need because despite what your mind is telling you, YOU ARE WORTHY.